Graduation is 30 days away which means I have way too much to do and not enough time to do it. I am stressed out. I make a to-do list every day and it just keeps getting longer. I hate complaining about everything I have to do because it seems like everyone else is so much busier. So I get mad at myself for being so stressed. Doesn't that seem so silly though? To be mad at being overwhelmed? But when you have depression, even the slightest daily task can feel like way too much. There's only so much we can handle until we break and some people are able to handle more than others. That's totally okay. Except me being the perfectionist that I am, I feel like it's not okay for me. I should be able to handle it all. I don't know why I think this, but I do. I feel like I should be able to take 17 credits, get all my homework done on time, graduate while maintaining a 4.0 GPA, work two jobs, make it to everything for my sorority, spend time with my boyfriend, visit home, and do chores around the house all while keeping my cool. That's not a lot right? I'm sure there are many people reading this thinking they have so much more on their plate and they are probably right. But for me, this is overwhelming and I can't handle it.
Last night I had a breakdown where I came home and just cried. This is nothing unusual. This happens quite often where I cry so hard that I can't breathe and my boyfriend has to just hold me and try his best to calm me down. I get so mad at myself when this happens because he shouldn't have to deal with that. I get myself so worked up that I get overheated and start sweating. Most of the time I also feel like throwing up and do even if I have nothing in my system to throw up. Once I'm finally calmed down I am so emotionally and mentally exhausted that all I can do is sleep. I sleep it off and hope that I will wake up in a better mood.
I love sleep
Can I just express how much I love sleep? I love sleep more than anything. I can sleep at any time no matter what. I especially love falling asleep during movies. My family and friends make fun of me for never going out and sleeping all the time and being an old boring lady. They don't get it though. I'm fighting a battle with myself 24/7 in everything I do. So getting out of bed, getting ready to go out in public, and seeing people takes every ounce of strength I have. Just doing that can feel like the most exhausting thing to me and I can't help that. So most of the time I don't go out. I stay home. And sleep. I sleep to get away from everything because everything makes me so exhausted. I know that I couldn't ever commit suicide so sleeping is my version of suicide where I can still escape everything even if it's for a little bit.
Stress and the Body
I know that stress and anxiety have harmful effects on the body and I have experienced them myself. I hold a lot of my stress in my shoulders so I am always stretching and rubbing my shoulders because they hurt so bad from being so tense and tight. I love massages because I can ask them to focus most of their attention on that and I'm left feeling like I breathe easier and am more relaxed. I have also been so overwhelmed and worked up that I had ulcers for a whole semester of school. I wouldn't wish ulcers on my worst enemy with how much pain I was in. It was absolutely terrible.
Comment and let me know how you deal with your stress and/or anxiety