When you are growing up it's natural for you to fight with your sibling, but at the end of the day they are still your best friend. Once you both grow older you grow closer and learn to laugh at all the fights you had when you were younger. It took a while for my sister and I to become so close. My sister, Taylor, is 18 and I'm 21. We are almost 3 years apart so we are pretty close in age. All I wanted was for us to have a close relationship, but she was too young and all she knew was how to push my buttons. That's the one thing she could do really well. Siblings fight. It's normal. Siblings hate each other for a period of time, but it goes away. I was always so scared that it wouldn't go away. What if we hated each other forever? What if one day she made me so mad I went crazy and murdered her? These were serious thoughts that went through my mind at that time. One time it got so bad that I actually threatened to hurt Taylor with scissors. I was telling her to leave me alone. I told her to stop bothering me because my friend was over. She wouldn't. She kept bugging me until I snapped. I grabbed a pair of scissors and threatened her. I obviously wasn't going to do anything. My friend stopped me and I just broke down and cried. It's a stupid reason to threaten family - because she wouldn't leave me alone. But I was young and I was so upset, mad, frustrated, and so annoyed that I didn't know what else to do. She thought we were playing and I was very serious about being annoyed. We just didn't get each other and I guess now we know why.
Here's what my sister had to say about how my depression affected her.
"Before I knew what my sister was going through I didn't understand why she was always sad or why she always wanted to be left alone. I could understand having a bad day but not consecutively for weeks. I was always outside playing with friends while my sister watched from her window. Depression can't be fully understood unless you are suffering as well. My sisters depression affected me in a lot of ways. I think because my mother could relate to how my sister was feeling she made sure my sister had resources available to her and did everything in her power to make sure that she would get through this.
By doing that though...I think she sometimes forgot about me. She loved me unconditionally and made sure that I had everything I needed, but in the house her focus was only on my sister. If we got into a fight it was always my fault and even if it wasn't I would get in trouble and be told "Taylor you know how your sister is. You need to not fight with her." The way I was feeling never mattered as much as what my sister was feeling. It was almost as if I wasn't allowed to show my feelings because Casey's were always worse. I might have been feeling angry in the moment but my sister felt like dying and you can't compare the two. Whatever I was going through was never going to be as hard as what my sister was going through. I'm in no way, shape or form saying my mom should have done anything differently because my mom needed to be there for Casey as her biggest supporter. If she would have paid less attention to my sister and more attention to me...I might not have a sister anymore."
I had no idea. I had no idea that Taylor felt so neglected. I had never even thought about her feelings when it came to my depression until I finally started to get a little bit better. I wish I had known earlier. I wish I could go back. I also had no idea that my sister cared so much. She never really showed it the way that made me really believe it. I didn't know she kept such a close eye on me. I didn't think anybody did because I felt so alone for such a long time.
"My sisters depression made my family stronger as individuals and as a unit. I had to be strong for myself but now I want to be strong for my sister. I knew I could be strong in supporting her. She taught me to be kind to everyone because you have no clue what they might be going through. I'm a more compassionate, understanding and all-around better person because of my sister and her depression."
"In high school is when I feel like her depression affected me the most. I saw her each day fighting the depression and that would hurt because I could see how much hate she had for herself. Every time I hear this line from an Atmosphere song I immediately think of her. "She look at the mirror, she don't see what I see. She hold no history of how precious she be." I think my sister is completely amazing, but sometimes it isn't how others see you but how you see yourself. And I wish everyday she could see herself from my point of view so she could see what it's like to love her unconditionally.
I remember I used to stalk my sisters Tumblr and twitter and whatever other social media so I could see how she was feeling because she didn't always tell us. Or maybe she just didn't know how to explain it. I would report back to my mom and tell her how I thought Casey's day was according to what she had posted. I think I understood my sisters depression more form Tumblr than from actually talking to her because I feel like she was more truthful on that specific site than in person. I read everything and tried to understand the best I could. I would worry so much about her.
I used to get these nightmares of one day actually coming home to see that my sister had taken her own life. Sometimes in the nightmares I would actually witness her taking her own life. Any horrible scenario of suicide that you could think of is what I dreamt of at night. I would wake up crying and just so scared because I knew that those nightmares could one day become reality. I know my sister is still struggling and will continue to struggle with depression but I just want her to know how proud I am to have witnessed her strength and determination to overcome every single day she thought she wouldn't. There is no one I love more than my sister."
Last summer I moved home and it was also my sisters last summer at home before she went off to college. We spent pretty much every day together doing everything. We were able to talk about the past and laugh about it. I was finally able to talk about how I felt back then and why I acted the way I did. Taylor was able to do the same. We finally connected the way I had always wanted. I think it was because she matured and I finally chilled out. I was always so uptight and she was always too laid back. We were complete opposites, but as we've grown we have found ourselves meeting in the middle.
My sister and I got matching tattoos over winter break that say "Anything but ordinary". The reason she wanted it was because of Grey's Anatomy. I didn't understand until I watched the episode. Here are some clips that explain the idea.
My sister and I got matching tattoos over winter break that say "Anything but ordinary". The reason she wanted it was because of Grey's Anatomy. I didn't understand until I watched the episode. Here are some clips that explain the idea.
Watch 1st | Watch 2nd - watch 3:51 - 5:24 |
"You, my sister, are anything but ordinary"
My sister is the biggest reason why I still push through all the darkness I feel. She has always been so strong, not only for herself but for me as well. I admire her so much for that. I've always wanted to be more like her than she knows. She is confident, outgoing, speaks her mind, strong, independent, and everything else that I always felt I wasn't. Taylor is my best friend and will always be that one person I would take a bullet for. I want nothing more than for her to never feel the way I did and still do. I always want her to be able to see how incredibly amazing she is and to never focus on her imperfections. I never want the light in her soul to flicker out. Most of all, I want her to know how much of an influence and motivation she is for me. I want to make her proud in everything I do. I love you sister.